It's not you, It's me...

In 2014, I gave the whole dating scene some serious attention.

Started the year, B, he was successful, focused, and determined.  He was into me, wanted to get to know me, but then it turned out he wasn't that "into me".  He faded away.

Thought something was wrong with me, so onto the next one, but had my back pocket pseudo boyfriend, M, that would come over and fulfil my "needs" - we'd have LONG ass conversations about life, the future, our friendship, etc.  M will always be apart of my life for the simple fact that I can tell him anything without judgement and we can laugh at each other.

The second dude I can remember that completely captured me was Missouri.  Missouri was indeed from Missouri.  We met through work, kept up fabulous conversations while working together on some projects, and would keep our awesomeness going.  He and I had a spark and ability to conversate as M and I can - for hours on end, laughing, digging deep into the meaning of happiness in our laugh, and future goals.  We both wanted to spend more time with one another but our 10 hour difference was hard.  I fell hard for him.  FELL hard.  We were able to spend a weekend together in our middle spot in Iowa (of all places, but we both found that Des Moines is a beautiful city).  He opened doors, paid for everything, allowed me my time to get ready, pulled chairs out for me, etc.  He was the true gentleman.  Heart breaking that his friendship is now gone.  He faded away too with no reason.

After Missouri, I was crushed.  Not that I expected a relationship to develope overnight with him, but I know that our quirkiness and how awesome we are together was a good base to something awesome.  I didn't really date for a bit after him.

Then there was P the dud.  He was actually a nice guy.  Funny on the phone and via text, but really a dud in person.  He, I'm glad walked away.  After P, there was the other P or the suit.  He was more exciting.  For our first meeting, he showed up in a suit.  VERY impressive for me, I've never dated a Suit.  He was incredibly handsome, extremely successful, hilarious, truthful, and we had some other recreational things in common.  For my first date with the Suit, he took me out to dinner at a restaurant I've never been, and a comedy club.  He was truly a gentleman, paid for EVERYTHING, even at the super expensive bowling alley. He would text me throughout the day and say, I want to see you tonight... "can we please meet for dinner?"  I know that he and I were dealing with brain waves on if this could indeed go further, and then he vanished.  Poof gone.  He later called me to apologize and wanted another chance to see me.  I shot him down.  Told him off.  Wished him luck.

Now at this point in 2014 we're into December.  The holidays are upon us.  There isn't much time for me to care about dating because I'm too busy hating the holidays.  My old boyfriend T tried resurfacing.  He is such a sweet guy, I know he cares for me, he does indeed have a job, personality, etc.  But, he just doesn't get me.  Doesn't cherish me as much as he should.  For instance, he wanted to meet me for a drink one night.  I suggested the time and location.  The bastard texted 20 minutes after my time suggestion asking to change the location and time.  I was pissed.  Told him off too.

As you can tell, the end to my year, I was telling guys off.  I was getting fed up.  Pissed about B, Missouri, P, the Suit, and now T.  Busy year of meeting some great guys.  Guys that all have potential to be something in my life, whether it be just as a friend or not, but they all end up sucking.

Then the Smotherer came around here at the start of 2015.  Oh, the sweet sweet Smotherer.  I think I, because being so pissed off, I needed some gentleness.  He was that.  A bit too gentle.  With everything.  Pathetically, he "fell" for me right away.  After dating for about 4 weeks, he wanted it be more.  WHOA!!!  Slow the F down dude.

Here I am, a gal of 32, single for most of my life.  At this point, I'm picky.  I know what I want, what pace I want to go at, and how I want to feel when in a relationship.  Smotherer was the first one that wanted, ideally what I wanted - a relationship, but he was too gentle, it scared me.  That's how the whole J thing started, so I had to back off.  Heck, after our 2nd date with the Smotherer he wanted me to make it official.  Honestly, 20 minutes after the 2nd date.  Ugh.  NEXT!!!

While breaking his heart, I started talking to what could be my version of perfect.  Spicy J.  Oh boy.  He came outta nowhere via OKC.  We connected right away, and because its still a new break for me and probably the hardest, I'm heart broken.  He was a bit of B, Missouri, P, M, the Suit, and a skosh of the Smotherer all in one.  He loves coffee, spicy food, being a parent, living within his means, having fun, challenging himself, growing his heart, exploring new things, and incredibly sexual.  Mr Grey style.  YUM.  13 days of WOW.  Now, he's someone I could've seen bringing to my family functions, meeting my family & friends, and buying Christmas gifts for.  Day 13 and he can't go on.  Spicy J is gone now.  3 days later and I have probably thought of texting him 673 times.  Not Smotherer style, but random thoughts that would spark, and wonder what he thinks about.  Sriracha kettle chips?  Oh yes, he needs to know about them - but I can't tell him.  Coffee at 9pm?  YUM, he needs to know.  Oh and that top I tried on at Herberger's would have showed enough skin of mine to drive him wild.  Sigh.

Now what?  No, next for me.  To get to finally my subject topic.  I've deleted my profile via OKC.  No more dating.  I'm done.  Don't even ask.

It's you and not me.

All of these men and I faded away because of the whole "It's not you, it's me".  Why can't we just be honest?  Bullshit, all of it.  Emotions, feelings, time, and money all wasted for a scapegoat, it's not you, it's me. Oh boys, it is you - not me.

Dating sucks.

Why can't we just say what we feel - even if it hurts the other person.  Every single guy that I've dated has only seen the true me.  I don't hide anything.  Why don't they grab their balls - I know they all got a pair or they wouldn't be talking to me - and either just listen to the words that I tell them or tell me what they need to tell?  We're all adults here.  Well, some are.

Also, why not take a chance on honesty and just friendship?  Some of my most trusted guy friends, I have dated at one point in my life, but we're better friends.  We accepted it during the courtship and was able to keep a psuedo friendship.  Friendship is ok.  Everyone needs a friend.